


seven things you don't tell your best friend before dying

by biggrstaffbunch



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2014-12-05
Packaged: 2018-02-28 06:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2722700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biggrstaffbunch/pseuds/biggrstaffbunch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One last truth, for the road.</p>
            </blockquote>





	seven things you don't tell your best friend before dying

|

 _you were lucky,_  
is the first truth you never tell him  
sitting at a bar with your knees touching his.

 _they built you into something stronger  
_ _after they destroyed you._

you keep the second truth for yourself, too  
a litany that lives in your head  
hidden by half grins, and   
the shadows in your eyes.

 _pal, for me there is no rebirth—_  
 _i got unmade_  
 _and they’ll stay unmaking me._  
  
piece by piece of you got carved away  
by mortar fire and stomach wounds  
disintegrating bones and the screams of men  
in rooms you came to know intimately.  
  
they cut you, and never stopped.  
they bled you, and never stopped.  
  
you’ve been dripping your guts all over the place  
since the instant he leaned over that godforsaken table  
and you said his name.  
  
little bits of james buchanan barnes   
scattered across europe, buried in the mud  
and burning in the sun.

it’s war; you don’t get to keep anything  
not even your own damn self.  
  
the third truth you never tell him,  
mired in the stink and grime of endless marching  
twisting to the sky in every draft of cigarette smoke:  
  
 _you, though.  
_ _you, i’ll hold on through everything.  
_ _they dug between my ribs with  
_ _ten different kinds of knives  
_ _and still you live in my heart._  
  
he’s tall now, broad and wide  
and so bright it hurts to look at his  
stupid, beautiful face.  
  
but this would bring him to his knees.  
  
you, as a dead thing  
and him, persisting.   
  
 _i followed you back into this hell  
_ _because i ain’t got a thing left to lose  
_ _except you._  
  
it’s the fourth truth.  
you were a ghost the minute they

—put you into the 107th  
put that rifle into your hands  
put your body on a table   
and put poison in your brain—  
  
you were a goner   
the day you shipped out of brooklyn.  
a boy turned into a man turned into  
a memory.  
  
maybe you would’ve gone back  
looked ‘em all in the eyes  
and said, ”no goddamned more.”  
  
maybe you would’ve, if it wasn’t for him.

he lays waste to your good intentions  
and has, since you were kids  
when you smeared blood off his lip, and  
swore you’d never leave him to fight alone.

your mother used to make you promise  
to stop getting into these brawls

but even back then, your fealty was clear.

 _you know what they say, buddy._  
 _the blood of the covenant is a hell of a lot thicker_  
 _than  the water of the womb._  
  
another truth  
one that you didn’t have to say  
out loud, because

she’ll get her telegram soon enough  
and it won’t be any different than the day  
you came home with a broken rib,  
pushed through the door and  
wheezed,   
  
"they woulda killed him, ma."  
  
the worst thing isn’t that you’ve chosen him   
over your flesh and your bone  
time and time again.  
  
it’s all the choices you’d still make  
given the chance.

 _it scares me sometimes, the things i’d do for you._  
 _the things you’d let me do._  
  
look, the heart of the issue,  
the beating organ that you’ve so far ignored  
the ultimate truth in a world built on lies:

you’ve shot men between the eyes  
just for putting him in their sights.

violence lives in your body now  
fueled by what’s always existed   
in the caverns of your belly  
and the rushing in your veins.  
  
you’ve loved him since   
he was the one dying,  
instead.

what you know is this—

you kept the reaper from taking him then  
and you’ll do it now, too.  
  
till the reaper takes you  
first.  
  
 _you kissed me once when we were seventeen_  
 _and you were out of your mind with fever._  
 _i still remember the rosary beads_  
 _i still remember how you taste._  
 _i’ll carry it all to my grave._  
  
 _you were the biggest secret_  
 _i never told._

one last truth, for the road.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the incomparable Not Easily Conquered series by dropdeaddream and whatarefears.


End file.
